It is amazing to me how completely out of control some people get when they know something is free. It could be the most worthless crap on the planet, but if it's free, they can't get enough of it. Opening day at the new Busch stadium brought out the scavengers in full force. Now, I'm completely cool with the average souvenir seeker. But SERIOUSLY, some people need to be sedated.
It almost became perilous to my person to be anywhere near the "giveaway section" of the bar we were at. While sitting at a picnic table, we were stepped on, practically tackled and nearly smashed by some old drunk guy who insisted on standing on the bench behind us. (Apparently, the higher you are above everyone else, the better chance you have to swan dive on top of someone and swipe their swag.) Which is exactly what he was doing when he showered us with half his beer. Every time he made a psychotic grab for some other priceless piece of paraphernalia we got a bud lite shower.
One woman, chasing mindlessly after some sort of flag, actually tried to climb UNDERNEATH our picnic table. She literally threw herself at the bench and started clawing madly for it. Easy killer. It's a flag. Not the last life saving serum left on the planet. Obviously, she was serious about wanting it. We knew just how serious when she screamed at us in her drunken blur "You guys don't even know what it is!" Right, which totally disqualifies us from any sort of freebie. Good call on that one.
Ok, seriously people. How many XL t-shirts do you really need? Do you have to have every single coozie ever made? What are you really going to do with it? Frame it? Create some sort of opening day collage? Scrapbook with it perhaps? Is that any reason to turn into some sort of carnivorous crap collector? I realize you think these are priceless artifacts but lets be honest. You'll be using that t-shirt to turtle wax your car in two months.
All I'm saying is risking life or limb for a blowup, noise-making balloon stick, in the end, it's really not worth it.
originally posted April 11, 2006 on myspace.
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