Disappointing

I think disappointing someone is far worse than pissing someone off or physically causing them pain. Disappointment means they still love you. They just expected more from you. Ouch! (Hurts...doesn't it?)

Whether it's a boss, a lover, a best friend, disappointing someone, especially if you care about what they think of you, hurts. You might as well have punched mom in the face or started her house on fire. Those things she CAN get over. Disappointment lingers on.

Usually there is build up that leads to the disappointment. It all starts with simple anticipation for something – like a gift or a life event or worse, a behavior. Unfortunately, instead of being wowed. Instead of living up to these predetermined expectations. That anticipation is met with a bitter, unsatisfactory end. Then, disappointment moves in.

The harsh reality is you may never get over the disappointment you felt. And on the other hand, you might never get over being the cause of someones disappointment. It's simply a lesson to learn from. A horrible feeling that you live with and try not repeat.

The good news is that if that person you disappointed truly loves you, they will always love you. All of you, even the stupid disappointing parts. You just have to trust in that unreasonable love and believe it is strong, everlasting and even disappointment proof.

Keep that in mind when you open a really lame Christmas present tomorrow. Unless they were trying to give you crap, it's the thought that counts. Plus, being able to return a disappointment should be able to make most disappointing feelings disappear.

Forget the feeling

I am a forgetful person. I lost my iPod, my keys and my mind all in the same week. The keys were lost completely. My iPod surfaced a month later. I found it behind a table in my office and no, my office is not that big. And my mind? Well, it's status is constantly up for debate. The point is, I forget and loose a lot of things. Including feelings.

Lately, I have made a concerted effort to remember. Feelings in particular.

I got into the show LOST over the last couple of months. In the first episode, Jack (who is oh so yummy) said something along the lines of, "Let the fear in, but only for 5 seconds. Let yourself be afraid. Let yourself feel the fear. Then suck it up and get what you need to get done." In his case it was sew some chicks spin back together.

Intense.

But I think this is applicable to real life. It's good to feel things. If you don't let yourself feel, then what are you really? Not only do humans have the ability to feel things, they also have the ability to share feelings through words, and songs and art... It's what separates man from wild.

Of course, we might consider some feelings better off not felt, like disappointment, but feeling that makes us understand beyond a shadow of a doubt that we never ever want to feel that way again.

Remember to feel and remember what the feeling felt like. It'll make you feel alive.

Let go

We hold on very tightly to things we cherish. People, things, pets, feelings. We believe we're protecting them from harm. Mostly, we're making ourselves feel better by keeping them close. We believe that no one can do better by them. We think no one can care for them more. We cling desperately onto them because we think it makes everything better, ignoring the voice inside that says, let go.

When we let go, we feel like we've lost control. We've given up. We believe we've failed or worse, disappointed. But truthfully, the love you used to hold onto that person or thing or feeling, probably was sucking everything good you ever cherished out of it. It's possible that by letting go and stepping back, you can help it grow again. We're not giving up. We're not loosing. We're helping it grow stronger.

The hardest part about letting go is realizing that holding on was wrong. It wasn't doing anyone any good. It was draining the life and love from both parties. What's that quote? Something like "The harder you squeeze a fist full of sand in your palm the faster is will fall from your hand. If you open your palm and let the sand just lay there, it will stay with you forever." Something like that. Sometimes we need to remember to stop squeezing and just open our hand.

The ongoing list of uncompromiseables...

#3: Compassion

To have compassion, a person must step outside of themselves and try to understand where another person is coming from. It's hard. Not everyone can put aside their judgments and preconceived ideas and really try to not only "get" another person, but then have sympathy for them. True compassion is then trying to help make them feel better. Again, it's hard.

Sometimes I feel selfish. I think, why should I care if someone else is hurting? Would they care? Would they try to help me if I was hurting? Usually the answer is yes. Yes they would. Because people are good. And good people care about other people. Although we all go through phases of selfishness and indifference to those around us, inherently we are good.

Compassion is a tough one. It takes work. It's also something you don't acquire one day. But it is something you can eventually arrive at.

Game Five

I played volleyball my entire life. Hence the name of this blog – the postpartum depression of a collegiate athlete. Originally, I wanted to write a book, that being the title. It summed up perfectly how I felt when I started writing on here. Depressed. Being an athlete my whole life was part of my identity and suddenly it was taken away. Not my whole identity, but a big part of it. It was part of who I was. And then, it was gone. I was not longer a setter. I no longer went to practice. Like any other break up, it takes time to discover yourself again. You fill the hole you feel in your life with other things. You start to feel complete again. But I realized that there were some indispensable things you learn as an athlete. So here's my first sports/life analogy. Hopefully there will be more...we'll see.

Live Life Like Every Second is Game Five.

So here's a quick volleyball lesson...College volleyball plays a best of 5 set format. The first four sets are played to 25 points. The fifth and final deciding set is only played to 15 points. All games must be won by two points. All games are played using rally scoring. That means that every time someone makes a mistake (i.e. hits it into the net, misses a serve, hits the ball out, etc.) the other team gets a point. So you can see how important that 5 set really is. It's fast. No room for error, but also no room to be timid. You just get out there and leave it all on the floor.

That's how we should live life...like it's the fifth set in the biggest match of our life. Well because it is.

It's your life. Do you need another excuse to put yourself out there. A bigger reason? A better excuse? You shouldn't.

Regret not

Just don't. Do what you need to do when you need to it. Don't regret not being strong enough to stand up for yourself. Don't regret not speaking up. Don't regret not following your heart. Don't regret not following through on your instincts. Don't regret not telling someone exactly how you feel. Just don't. Because trust me, you will wake up tomorrow and regret not doing it. Regret Not! Just don't.

Kick a pigeon

The pigeons in downtown St. Louis keep getting worse. First, just a couple would loiter around, pecking and cooing. Fine. I can handle a couple of pigeons.

Slowly, the word got out. St. Louis is a mighty fine place to peck and coo, they told each other. Now they are everywhere.

If someone had drop kicked a couple of those early pigeons, other pigeons around the country would have heeded the warning and stayed away from St. Louis.

I guess that's why they say hind site is 20/20.

Hope may float, but faith truly treads water

Hope is sort of a passive aggressive form of optimism. It's idealistic. Based on nothing other than a desire or a destiny that you have no control over. Hope is rooted in a fantasized future that you have not taken the steps to create for yourself. You just HOPE that everything will work out. You just HOPE that it will happen. You hope that it does because deep down you know you can't control whether it will or won't. You just hope so.

Faith really does all the dirty work. Faith is rooted in belief. And although those beliefs may be flawed, in and of themselves, faith is a commitment to believe. Usually faith is in something. Something unexplainable. But you work at it. You work toward it. You don't just have faith. You actively seek faith. It takes time and effort to have faith. The more you work at it, the greater your faith becomes. And I'm not just talking about faith in God or religion. Having faith in each other and yourself is equally as difficult if not more difficult.

To truly make a difference in your life, you can't just hope things are going to work out. You can't just leave it to fate and continue to "hope so." You've got to have faith. And not just have faith but build faith. The heavy lifting of life is having the faith that what you're doing is right and good. It's taking steps forward toward a goal and having the faith to firmly plant your foot on the ground and know it's the right thing to do.

So, hope it rains. Hope the Cardinals make the playoffs (even though you know they won't. Not all hope is good). But have faith in what matters the most...life.

Gone to a better place

I finally got the call. The call that I wished would come so badly but after it came, I wished would go away. Tucker was hit by a car. He's gone.

The morning after I posted my last blog, a collegue of mine found Tucker on the highway. They said it looked as if he was sleeping. They brought me his collar and called animal control. I have not cried that hard in a very long time. It was one of those unconsolable cries that are painful and blunt.

It's amazing that I knew. I might not have known exactly what was going on, but somehow I knew that something was different. Read the blog. My heart knew. With what hope and faith I still had left in tact, I tired to put on a brave face. But my heart knew. He wasn't going to come home.

So many things are unfair about this situation. Too many to start a list. Too many to matter anymore. The only thing that matters is that I am now sitting at home, alone and Tucker is not here. And he never will be here again. And every once in a while when I starting think about him, I still cry that painful, blunt,unconsolable cry. It still hurts that much.

It will be a long time before I get another dog. Maybe never. Losing him was like losing my child. And the only thing that keeps me from breaking down in tears again, even now, is the hope that it's true - All dogs do go to heaven. Because I know that's where Tuck is right now run as fast as he can from field to field without a care in the world.

Broke

Do you ever feel broken? Deep down, broken? I have lost a lot in the last week and I feel broken. I feel helpless. I feel lonely. I feel like a failure. I feel like a little bit of me has died.

When you lose something, you have to learn to deal with the pain of not having it anymore. The agony of not knowing. The heartbreak of second guessing every single second of your past. The torture of saying goodbye without ever being able to say the words.

I feel lost. I feel hopeless. I feel like I have lost far more than just a friend. I have lost someone that I cared more about than I thought possible. And I can't do anything to bring them back. I can't make it right, and I can't change it. My heart hurts because of it.

I've cried. I've prayed. I have wished that things were different. I have hoped that I could fix this. Make it right. I can't. And because of that, I feel like I have died a little bit.

Missing

Tucker is missing. I feel like part of me has died. I keep trying to make myself believe that he's somewhere in St. Charles, Missouri, flocking in strawberry fields as if it were a psychedelic Beatles song. Does that little dog LOVE to run?

My heart feels as if someone is stepping on it. You underestimate how bad you will feel. You know you'll feel bad, but this feeling is indescribable and horrible. The house is very quiet. It's been quiet for four and a half days now. Every time I turn around something reminds me of him. Like how I could load the dishwasher without having to shove his little face away from licking the dirty dishes. Or how I took off my socks without having to immediately hid them. That goes for my tennis shoes, the TV remote controls to and my cell phone. I think "I'm ok," but then something reminds me of him, and I cry...again.

"He's coming home." This is the message when I open my cell phone. It's my mantra right now. I've thrown it out to the universe so many times, I'm sure God is thinking the same thing as the woman at Animal Control. "Rachael, we know he's missing. We know he's a medium size, beagles/shepherd mixed mutt with an orange collar and white bandanna, last seen at 364 and Jung Station Rd. We're working on it. We'll call you when we know something."

Say a prayer and if you're in Missouri, please forward this on to anyone who might be able to help. I would really appreciate it.

Thanks.



NOTE: He's posted on craigslist and every lost animal site on the internet. We've called animal control, the humane society and all the vets in the area. We've posted over 100 signs and talked to even more people. He's micro chiped, and we've been in touch with Avid the micro chip people. He was wearing a collar that had his name and my phone number on it. If you have other ideas, please post them here. We're open to suggestions.

The ongoing list of uncompromisables...

Uncompromisable #2:

PATIENCE: No one is perfect. No one has everything figured out. If you do, well good for you. You're a freak. Because no one truly has everything worked out. If they tell you do, they are liars. If you can accept that about people, then you are willing to allow people the chance to learn, to grow and to ultimately be a better person. It takes time. Everything takes longer than expected. But in the end, it takes a while to really get to know someone, to really learn something inside and out. The uncompromisable part is having patience. Because the best things in life are worth waiting for.

Small in size, not in strength

It is without a doubt the little things that matter most.

It's not the grand departure that people remember. It's the personal goodbye that's truly special.

It's not the dozen roses on Valentine's Day sitting on your desk at work for the world to see. It's the single flower and kind words that really set a heart on fire.

It's not spectacular. It's special.

It's not out loud. It's softly in your ear.

If you take a step back and examine what really matters, what really mattered, what you crave deep down for, it's something very little. Turns out, we don't need grand gestures. We need intimate ones. We need moments that make us feel like someone out there gets us.

A gentle hand on the face or that little sigh right before you fall asleep say "I love you" more deeply than any piece of jewelry or big fancy date.

To make a difference in someone's life, you don't need to spend a lot of money. You don't need to shout from the rooftops. You need to invest time in them. Pay attention. Learn about them. Because it's the little things that make a difference. It's the little things that make you feel like maybe there is someone out there made just for you.

A sliver of wisdom

"I truly believe that we, as human beings, only get so many chances at something special."

An incredibly brilliant person said that to me once. I will take that piece of advice with me always. Maybe we all should.

Universe, I hear ya

I'm of the belief, given recent events, that the universe speaks to you. It does. At times, what it's trying to say can be hard to pin point. But I believe it tries to tell us things. Maybe it's trying to say we're not alone. Or that you're making a mistake and it's not too late. Maybe it's trying to say, you'll be o.k. And it speaks in a million different ways to different people. It could be a song playing on a radio, the mention of a name, something someone says, a random weird thing you run across that makes you stop. It could be seeing a cardinal at the park, outside your house and again on your way to work. Today, I feel like all those little things are screaming at me.

I've always been a hyper-observant person. I see things all around me that normal people don't notice. Little things. Like the letters on a license plate or the repetition of numbers on a hotel room door (I always seem to run across the number 351. It's weird.) Maybe I'm looking for connections. Maybe they are a little far fetched. But that doesn't mean they are any less there for me. Do you ever feel like that? Like you are constantly being assaulted with signs, and you have no clue what they mean.

Right now, the world is screaming at me, and I am clueless.

A little help here, Universe. I don't quite speak your language.

Hit the road

It's been awhile since I've really felt like I've had something worth writing about. Interesting that it usually takes something tragic or overwhelming to make me want to write. I have to be busting with emotion, good or bad, to really have the desire to put something down on paper or screen. Ah, the tumultuous life of a writer.

Can you imagine if the only time it was possible to write something worthwhile is if your life was in turmoil? There had to be this constant push and pull from within to drive you to write something. I would hate to believe that my life could ever be in so much upheaval. Maybe it is, and I just can't see it.

Right now I'm at a crossroads. I'm at a point in my life where things are about to change. Stepping forward is just a scary as standing still. Thinking nothing is almost as overwhelming as letting every thought in at once. Nothing is just as big of an obstacle as everything.

Which brings me to the present and my road.

The greatest disappointment in life would be to shy away from the things that make you most scared. To assume that nothing is worth the greatest risk. To stop believing in what your heart is trying to tell you. The greatest disappointment in life would be to hold steadfast on a path because it's easy. To avoid stretching yourself, convincing yourself that what lies ahead is not worth the leap of faith. Not only would that be the greatest disappointment, it might also be my greatest failure.

Then why is it still so hard to walk forward?

The coming

Welcome Tucker. You are now apart of the family. Although you cannot and will not ever take the place of those who have come before you, you are great in and of yourself.

You have spunk. (But really only when you're around people you are completely comfortable with and only between the hours of 5 a.m. and 7a.m. and 6 p.m. and 8 p.m.)

You have an adventurous spirit. (You will go out of your way to sniff anything for as long as it is humanly possible and still not feel it has been thoroughly sniffed. But you will not let anyone walk up to you and pet you without cowering behind the nearest covering. What gives?)

Although most days you are a horrible sissy and giant mamas boy, I'll keep you. The last thing I need when I get home is a little mongrel who thinks he can boss me around.

Last night you actually got your head stuck INSIDE one of your balls. Comedy quickly ensued. Serves you right. Stop chewing holes in your toys, and shit like that won't happen to you anymore.


And yes. He DOES get to come to work, but only after he has been sufficiently exercised in the morning.