Gone to a better place

I finally got the call. The call that I wished would come so badly but after it came, I wished would go away. Tucker was hit by a car. He's gone.

The morning after I posted my last blog, a collegue of mine found Tucker on the highway. They said it looked as if he was sleeping. They brought me his collar and called animal control. I have not cried that hard in a very long time. It was one of those unconsolable cries that are painful and blunt.

It's amazing that I knew. I might not have known exactly what was going on, but somehow I knew that something was different. Read the blog. My heart knew. With what hope and faith I still had left in tact, I tired to put on a brave face. But my heart knew. He wasn't going to come home.

So many things are unfair about this situation. Too many to start a list. Too many to matter anymore. The only thing that matters is that I am now sitting at home, alone and Tucker is not here. And he never will be here again. And every once in a while when I starting think about him, I still cry that painful, blunt,unconsolable cry. It still hurts that much.

It will be a long time before I get another dog. Maybe never. Losing him was like losing my child. And the only thing that keeps me from breaking down in tears again, even now, is the hope that it's true - All dogs do go to heaven. Because I know that's where Tuck is right now run as fast as he can from field to field without a care in the world.

Broke

Do you ever feel broken? Deep down, broken? I have lost a lot in the last week and I feel broken. I feel helpless. I feel lonely. I feel like a failure. I feel like a little bit of me has died.

When you lose something, you have to learn to deal with the pain of not having it anymore. The agony of not knowing. The heartbreak of second guessing every single second of your past. The torture of saying goodbye without ever being able to say the words.

I feel lost. I feel hopeless. I feel like I have lost far more than just a friend. I have lost someone that I cared more about than I thought possible. And I can't do anything to bring them back. I can't make it right, and I can't change it. My heart hurts because of it.

I've cried. I've prayed. I have wished that things were different. I have hoped that I could fix this. Make it right. I can't. And because of that, I feel like I have died a little bit.

Missing

Tucker is missing. I feel like part of me has died. I keep trying to make myself believe that he's somewhere in St. Charles, Missouri, flocking in strawberry fields as if it were a psychedelic Beatles song. Does that little dog LOVE to run?

My heart feels as if someone is stepping on it. You underestimate how bad you will feel. You know you'll feel bad, but this feeling is indescribable and horrible. The house is very quiet. It's been quiet for four and a half days now. Every time I turn around something reminds me of him. Like how I could load the dishwasher without having to shove his little face away from licking the dirty dishes. Or how I took off my socks without having to immediately hid them. That goes for my tennis shoes, the TV remote controls to and my cell phone. I think "I'm ok," but then something reminds me of him, and I cry...again.

"He's coming home." This is the message when I open my cell phone. It's my mantra right now. I've thrown it out to the universe so many times, I'm sure God is thinking the same thing as the woman at Animal Control. "Rachael, we know he's missing. We know he's a medium size, beagles/shepherd mixed mutt with an orange collar and white bandanna, last seen at 364 and Jung Station Rd. We're working on it. We'll call you when we know something."

Say a prayer and if you're in Missouri, please forward this on to anyone who might be able to help. I would really appreciate it.

Thanks.



NOTE: He's posted on craigslist and every lost animal site on the internet. We've called animal control, the humane society and all the vets in the area. We've posted over 100 signs and talked to even more people. He's micro chiped, and we've been in touch with Avid the micro chip people. He was wearing a collar that had his name and my phone number on it. If you have other ideas, please post them here. We're open to suggestions.