Bottler

Sometimes the littlest things make me crabby. At least I thought. Turns out upon further review, it isn't actually that one thing at that one particular moment that REALLY made me crabby. My crabbiness actually stems from something that happened weeks ago - in some instances months ago.

I'm a bottler. I keep things in. Make them "OK" instead of getting them out in the open. Words don't come easily. I clam up. I ignore it. I make it "go away."

(I know. All highly effective ways of dealing with personal issues.)

I sit, looking calm and collect on the outside, whilst on the inside the pressure builds. Like a bottle of expensive champagne moments from blowing it's cork sky high. Pity on the poor soul who gets hosed when I finally blow.

I try very hard not to be a willing participant. I try to keep the bubbles in check. I try to let out enough air to keep the bubbly liquid inside...well harmlessly bubbly.

We're all bottlers in a way. We keep things inside. We hold our tongue. We find ourselves holding back.

So why then are there times when I can't close my mouth fast enough.

Most normal people can keep their mind in check. They manage their thoughts, sharing what's appropriate and holding back what's not.

Sounds so simple!
Touche! I think my meter is busted. Because I'm "THAT GIRL" who blurts out the absolute wrong thing at the worst time. At the times when I desperately need to be a bottler, I can't quite get the filter up fast enough. Maybe I was built backwards or inside out. The things that are suppose to stay in, fly out. The things that I should share, never quit make it to the surface unless forced.

It's a work in progress.

Down deep

Do you listen to yourself? Deep down? Do you listen to that little voice that tells you when things are good and right and when things are bad and wrong?

It's hard to believe that intuition is real. You can't pinpoint exact moments and say, "There, intuition told me to do that." You just do it because something very small inside said to.

I used to think that some things were meant to be. Lately, I don't know. Some things are only meant to be, if you mean them to be. If you do something to physically allow them to be. If you wait around for them to magically happen, they aren't going to. And deep down you know what you have to do to make them happen. So why don't I?

Maybe, I just don't want to believe. Maybe it's too hard. Maybe it's just not meant to be. Maybe those are all excuses because I'm scared. Now that I think about it, that seems about right.

Get over it

When all else fails, is the easiest way to stop obsessing over something is to simply get over it? Seriously. I don't think it works like. But what if it did. You could just stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop wishing you could change the past. Stop believing if you pray hard enough that magically time will stop, reverse and let you do the whole thing over again.

That's the thing about life. It just keeps going.

The only truly valuable thing you can get out of it the shear experience of the emotion. Stop for just a second and let it all soak in. The hurt. The pain. The love. The thrill. The fear. Whatever it is, give yourself a second to feel it.

Eventually, you won't feel like that anymore. You will move on, experience better, worse and different things. But you will always remember what it was like at that time in that moment.

Maybe the thought of those emotions will make you act differently in the future. Maybe they will drive you act the same. Maybe that won't change you at all. But that's the beauty of life...you have lots of time to figure it out.

Crap

It's just one of those days. Nothing feels right. Nothing sounds right. Nothing is right. And there isn't one damn thing I can do about it.

I let it get to me. I let it ruin my day and affect my work. That just makes me more frustrated. More annoyed. Less productive.

Crap. It's hard to turn it around. To make myself drop it. Stop thinking about things I can't control. Move forward. Be happy.

Right now...I'm not. I can't get happy. I can't want to do good work. I'm annoyed and frustrated because I can't make it better. I can't make it better because there's nothing to make better. So it is what it is, and I am what I am.

Annoyed.
Crabby.
Frustrated.
Disappointed.